Okay. Dear reader, discount what I said on Oct 04, 2025. R has a girlfriend and I do not want to sabotage nor get in between that relationship. It was just a small crush anyways, so it shouldn't have many consequences aside from a short crashout if I don't get with him. It's a little difficult looking at him, but it's okay. Everything will be okay. I have bigger issues to worry about right now, and I don't have time to think about him right now or speculate on his sexuality.
This will be updated later, as I have no idea what to write about that isn't mildly upsetting. Speaking of mildly upsetting, I drew myself being crucified. It made me think a little about Jesus. Honestly, if you think about it, everyone can be Jesus if they're kind enough. Wasn't his whole thing being kind to those who were looked down upon for the crime of being human? Jesus is in everyone, in a sense that everyone can be kind if they try hard enough. I was not raised in any denomination, let alone being raised Christian at all, but I believe it's common sense to be kind for the sake of being kind and not because some higher being is watching. More people should be like Jesus, or as Jesus-ish as we can get. That way, the world and society will progress. We need more kindness in the world.
Image of the day. I love you Jeeeeeeeeeeesus - Trisha Paytas
You, the reader, might notice the tone of the latest zine I published on the website. If not, read it now for added context. I will be talking about a 4 month old situation that still hurts me to this day.
I hate them. I hate them so much, to the point that I loop around to caring and loving for them. I hate you, Alison, but I also love you dearly. It's all your fault, you put yourself into this situation but I will help you again and again. I always come back to you, like a servant to their princess. Maybe we will make up again, but I see through that facade of yours always. I don't care how hard things have been for you, but I also do because I still think of you as one of my best friends, if not one of my closests. Please be my joyful thought tonight, and let me yearn for you.
If only your partner, Harry, didn't warp you like this. Your mother and I are incredibly concerned for you. WE love you dearly, you just refuse to see it. Please, open your fucking eyes you big idiot. I know it's not that simple, and I acknowledge it, but you can't let them control you like this. I miss you, the you that was free and happy. I know time passes and you grow up, but I really miss you. I know I can't sway you, but please just open your eyes. Harry is a danger to you, and you running off with them in the name of love and getting away from your mother who is trying her best to be better is not the solution.
Please, just sit down and go to therapy again.
Image of the day. Apologies again, this one was rather upsetting. I might be going back to being a shit person again.
Site followers might be noticing the tone of the zines lately. I think it's best I disclose it now: I like someone. As of writing this, I'm a little tipsy after coming home from a karaoke night, but all I can think of is him taking care of me if we ever got together. I want to feel his touch, his lanky arms wrapped around me as I sleep on his chest. I want him to be there for me, hold my hand, tell me I'm his forever, if not just for a while. I know I've messed up my chances at relationships a long time ago, and I know I'm always the problem, but I'm really trying. I promise.
I've never had good luck with long-term relationships, mainly because I come off as too aggressive in disagreements, or too needy if I'm left alone for too long. Sometimes, I suspect if I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), mainly because I have debilitating mood swings if I don't feel completely numb at times, or me having a specific mindset around people I'm too attached to, or reckless and unhealthy habits or coping mechanisms that I indulge every once in a while. It's a good thing I'm medicated now, phew. I also used to be a complete fucking doomer, which didn't help in relationships. I was a pessimistic, cynical asshole! Sometimes I still am, but at least I fucking grew out of it!
I wonder how my history with relationships will affect yearning and getting with this guy. Maybe I'll be an insane person latching onto my potential partner and going from loving him with my whole chest to wanting to commit a double suicide because society will never accept us.
My heart hurts thinking about you, R. I wish you were gay too.
Image of the day. Apologies for how dark this blog post is.
Now what the hell do I write about????? It is early in the morning as I am writing this (yes 8.21am is early to me), and I am sat next to my friend who is playing IIDX on her laptop... somehow. I'm waiting for my computer graphics class to start, along with my other friend to come in. He's probably geting coffee right now or something, he's always almost late. I've honestly got nothing of note to write home about today, then again the day has only just started. Life has been slower than usual, to be honest...
I guess the most I've done with my days aside from hanging out with my friends outside of campus in Blok M is working on my Adobe Illustrator work. Everyone in college is super cool. I love being in college and having free will.
EDIT: I made a zine!!! It will be displayed in THIS PAGE (CLICK THIS TEXT) through this link for the time being before I make a sitemap or anything cool. Maybe I'll make a button that takes you, the viewer, to the zine page through this blog page! Enjoy reading!!
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Image of the day. Art by me!!
Dude, this is fucking insane. I cannot settle on aliases!!!! First it was Umbral, then Antonymph, then Dreadful, then Robot, and now Dexter? Fucking DEXTER??? I hate transgenders (joke, joke, I'm trans too, I just like making jokes against myself). And before you ask, no, it's not Dexter Morgan, it's the fucking ginger boy genius. I don't even kin him, that's the funny part! I'm just some dweeby 18-year-old, not smart at all! I am not boy genius material at all, I'm more suited to be his creation. Actually, now that we're talking, I'd like you all to imagine my narrative voice with a nasally Russian accent that could only come out of a small, eccentric boy genius... with a lack of a Dee Dee (which I am grateful for, because I would not be able to survive with a sibling.)
As I write this, I sit next to my friends/classmates playing co-op in Wuthering Waves. I'm a little sweaty, as we all just got back to campus from Blok M. I probably smell bad too (gross), which really sucks for my reputation. Great, now it's getting cold, but my underarms still feel wet. Anyways, I'm thinking about my robotics era. I was never exceptionally good at it, but I remember playing around with coding and robots, especially for my Digital Design final project in 9th grade. Speaking of Digital Design, it was all a bunch of block coding and fun projects, which I... wouldn't say I excelled in, but wouldn't say I failed in. It was fun! I guess working on this website is like a rebirth of that lost passion for coding and doing things digitally.
But at the same time, I'm not sure if I'm TOO into technology these days. I don't like generative AI, that's a start. I also don't like music streaming if it isn't piracy, because it always requires a paywall. There goes 80,000 Rupiah per every end of the month for my Youtube Premium subscription, or else my YT music won't work. I also have been burnt out from drawing digitally, which really sucks because I've got a commission that I REALLY need to finish as soon as possible. But at the same time, I love working on this website. I love scanning my doodles in my notebook with a scanner (that scanner hates to see me coming).
Anyways, I'm just gonna end the blog post here. Goodnight.
Image of the day. Can you tell that I finished this blog post before going to bed?
Good evening, I'm back. As of writing this, I am in a Discord call with my groupmates as we work on a presentation about the Indonesian Old Order.
Anyways, with that out of the way, I've been thinking about this girl who takes computer science. I won't disclose her name, but we share a few things in common despite operating through the world so differently. She's an analogue person, while I'm more of a digital person. She knows lots about technology and electronics, and we had an interesting conversation about various types of tech (well, it was mostly me letting her infodump on me while I comment every now and then). She owns a CRT and several laptops, one of them being an ASUS that she modded. She can also play Pokemon on her Texas Instrument, which she recently has reported that one of the buttons have broken because she probably mashed the buttons too hard.
Something about her passion for analogue technology is so beautiful to me, despite me not understanding it all the way. Despite her stating that she stopped forming emotional attachments to her devices, something about her level of intimacy and care with them sparked something in me. It's clear that she loves her CRT, and if I was her CRT, I would love her too despite the inevitable passage of time. Her passion for the obsolete is something to be admired, in my opinion. Caring for a bygone era is something more people should do.
One day, as much as I hate to admit it, we too will be obsolete. Innovation truly is a double-edged sword.
Image of the day. I need a human's touch but... you don't need meeeeeeee~
Good evening, I give up with my identity. Just call me Robot at this point. I'm in college now, and I am living a better life than when I was in high school. I actually met real people, people that hopefully won't stab me in the back. People here in my major and in the other majors are actual people, not the monsters I encountered in my high school. I feel less alone, more put together, and most importantly: free. I'm free to be myself, free to enjoy my identity without worries of scrutiny from my peers because I know I'm surrounded by freaks like myself (affectionate).
I'm free from the trenches of navigating life when I'm full of assholes my age; I'm in real life now. There is nothing to be feared, nothing to hide from. My feet no longer ache, my boots are no longer soaked in slop and mud, the stench no longer lingering. It's like I've ascended to heaven and away from that godless place. It was no Great War, but it was still war to me nonetheless to keep fighting for my own right to exist within myself while battling the judgement from those that only serve to look down on others that are different from them. I make this sound so dramatic, but I promise, it's just the music I'm listening to right now.
All in all, college is amazing. I have comrades that I can lean onto, fellow freshmen. Life is great, but I can't relax yet. Lots of work is coming my way.
Image of the day. He maaaaaaaad!
GOOD EVENING, DOMINATION SPEAKING!! IT'S BEEN A WHILE, HAS IT?? Okay, I'll cool it with the caps, but there have been a few changes in my life!! One of those more notable changes and events happening is my college orientation happening tomorrow, which I am looking forward to! Another change is a loss of a friend. No, not like that, they're hopefully still alive, but you get what I mean. It's been pretty rough up in here. I'm simply... back to square one. Square one isn't the best, but it's not the worst either.
I've finished a small addition to the site earlier before writing this. Hopefully you, yes you, may be able to stumble upon it!! I won't be giving out any hints here; it'll be too obvious!~
Image of the day. I love my computer too!!!
New blog, new me. Welcome to my website! As you know, this is Antonymph speaking. I honestly don't have much to say today aside from pointing out my productivity spike in terms of working on this website. This site has been placed on the backburner, although I've been working on it since around January due to the stressors of previously being in senior year of an IB school. I previously had a website on Neocities which I don't touch anymore due to me just generally not liking it. I feel more satisfied with this one, although it's still a work in progress.
Currently, I'm in summer break, and I feel rather happy with it despite barely doing anything but working on this website and playing Animal Crossing. There hasn't been much happening in my life, now that I think about it.
Image of the day. Autism Megameal gif in the corner is by frodoomsday on tumblr.
Song of the day!
